In An Alternate Universe...

1. Earth is called 'The Blue Round Thingy', except that it's not blue. Nor round.
2. Paper aeroplanes are used as a form of transportation. So are bumper cars and space hoppers.
3. Volcanoes erupt alphabetti spaghetti instead of lava.
4. Every disease known to man are curable, with the exception of the dreaded Bavarian chin dimples.
5. The World Cup is hosted ever year on the moon.
6. All Englishmen are obese and drive around in big pickup trucks, whilst Americans drink tea and wear bowler hats.
7. Cartoon characters are real, whilst humans are animated.
8. The dinosaurs never went extinct. They're all living in retirement homes reminiscing about the good old days.
9. The words 'badminton', 'sheet', 'blubber', 'gravel' and 'Trevor' are considered offensive.
10. Every tall building in the world is constructed from LEGO and Jenga bricks.
11. Water is the most poisonous substance on the planet. That's why everyone stays inside when it rains.
12. Rolf Harris has been crowned supreme ruler of the world.  
13. Soap operas are literally operas about blocks of soap.
14. There have never been any wars, just minor arguments like spilling cup-a-soup over a waxed table.
15. Everyone lives until the ripe age of 812.
16. The hole in the o-zone layer was fixed using superglue.
17. William Shakespeare is a best-selling children's picture book illustrator.
18. Mobile phones and e-mail are non-existent. That's because everyone is telepathic and can communicate with one another mentally.
19. Anyone who commits a crime (even minor offences like letting one rip in the public library) is instantly vaporized by lasers that shoot out of the sky.
20. People who wear glasses have windscreen wipers fitted on their lenses, so that they don't get foggy or snowed on.  
21. Midgets, like fireflies, are collected and kept in jam jars.
22. There is an thirteenth month called 'Bobtember', which lasts for 62 days.